The French Femme

25th July 2024

The author Ros Lemarchand shares her journey with M.E.

My journey has been a long one and has not yet reached an end. It’s been full of highs and lows. I’ve struggled with pain, despair, anger, anguish, sadness and many more emotions. Despite that I’ve had the opportunity to start a new life. I’ve rediscovered some of my talents that had not been realised to their full potential. I’ve appreciated and valued my life in new ways. I’ve enjoyed new pleasures. So I feel that all has not been lost. Let me share with you some of my journey. It’s a journey of learning how to live with a chronic illness. That illness is Myalgic Encephalomyelitis.

Pre diagnosis

The first signs that something was not quite right started in the spring of 2002. One day it felt that I had come down with the worst case of flu. I felt terrible and I had absolutely no energy. It was like no other feeling. There followed a year of trying to recover from what I thought was flu and going to work. I would start to feel a little better and then pushed myself to go back to work. I had to since I was a single mum with a full-time job and bills to pay. At that time I had absolutely no idea what was wrong with me and what lay ahead – just as well. My doctor told me that it was the flu and to rest. I saw my doctor many times and she always said the same thing. But how could I repeatedly have the flu? She was clueless.

Reaching a diagnosis

By December 2002 I completely collapsed and could push myself no more. I saw my doctor for the last time. I left in tears after she just said, “What do you expect me to do”. I changed my doctor and then began the process of lots of tests and elimination of all possibilities. I finally saw a consultant at hospital in early spring of 2003. I was told that, considering my symptoms and recent history and lack of anything found in all the tests, I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Now up till then I had been doing my own research into what could be the reason for the way I was feeling. I had found some books in the local library and bookshop but they were talking about Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. When I mentioned this to the consultant I was told that the name had recently changed (to understand the reason behind this I suggest you read Osler’s Web by Hillary Johnson to learn about what happened in the USA in the 1980s). I was given no help or advice apart from the suggestion of graded exercise. I left in a daze, though relieved that I had a diagnosis.

After diagnosis

The next part of my journey is a scenario that was totally unexpected. For months I’d hardly left my home. My friends felt sorry for me and proposed going out for an evening. Without going into the details ,let me just say that it ended in meeting a French man who changed my life and gave me a reason to carry on living. Till then I thought that my life at the age of 47 was over. In 2003 I did recover somewhat and even managed to work again for a while. However, it was hard. I changed jobs and the location of my work. I did everything to try and stay in employment. Little did I know that by pushing myself I was only making myself worse. In the end I had to concede that I could no longer work. I’ve expressed this in the following poem.

I pushed too far,
I pushed too long,
I didn’t know
that it was wrong.
I pushed myself,
I pushed in pain,
I didn’t know
it was in vain.
I pushed too much,
though I was ill,
I had to pay
every bill.
I pushed myself
past my limit,
not knowing I’d
suffer for it.
I pushed myself,
What price I paid?
Now it’s too late,
the damage is made.

A new life in France

Since 2002 I’d built up considerable debts, since most of the time I hadn’t been able to work due to being so ill. The first casualty to this illness was my job and my ability to work. The second casualty was my house and my home. I made an incredibly difficult decision to sell my house and move to France with my French fiancé. I thought that the way of life in France was probably better for my health. It was an enormous risk and challenge ,but something had to change.

Poetry writing

Before becoming ill I had written some poetry about various topics. From an early age I had taken elocution lessons and had learnt to love poetry. So I took to writing poetry again, but this time about my illness. I found that it was a good way to express how I felt. Then came the idea that maybe I could self-publish my poetry via Amazon. I found someone who helped to guide me through the process. I was so proud when the day came I could hold my first book of poetry in my hands. Since then I’ve published other books of poetry. Some of the later ones are not all about living with M.E. or a chronic illness. I’ve written poems on a wide variety of subjects. I’ve even attempted to write some in French! The process of self-publishing becomes easier after the first time. And so I’ve published books of poetry for others – one for my uncle and one for another person with M.E.

Here is my first poem about M.E.

My A-Z of M.E.

ANGRY – since I feel my life has all gone
BORED – as endless days go on and on
CRYING – when no one can understand me
DEPRESSED – because of this illness M.E.
EXHAUSTED – after every effort I make
FRUSTRATED – by those who believe I’m a fake
GRIEVING for everything that I have lost
HAPPY – to find new friendship at no cost
ISOLATED – from a world that used to be mine
JEALOUS – of those who can have a good time
KINDNESS – from others who suffer the same
LOSS – of so much and looking for blame
MISERABLE – with no ending that is in sight
NIGHTMARES – strange and real that give me a fright
OPTIMISTIC – one day someone will find a cure
PAIN – is strong and so hard to endure
QUESTIONS – so many that have no answer
REST – and rest, hoping to feel better
SENSITIVE – to so many things around me
TERRIFIED – by symptoms that people can’t see
UNDERSTANDING – why is it so hard to explain?
VALUE – my life, though nothing is the same
WORRY – because my body feels so weak
XRMV – could this be the clue we seek?
YEARN – to be healthy and to have some fun
ZOMBIE – instead this is what I`ve become!

Writing a blog

About the same time my first book was published I decided to start a Blog. That way I could include any of my poems in a blog and discuss different aspects of living with M.E. I suppose my blogs have also improved with practice.

Sharing and awareness raising

Over the years I’ve shared many of my poems and blogs on all social media platforms. I believe it’s important for others to understand how this illness changes and destroys so many lives. It’s important to raise better awareness and understanding. Of course, some of my poems are hard to read and may be upsetting, but I want and need to express the reality of life with M.E. and not to sugarcoat it.

My books

My books are available on Amazon in many countries throughout the world in paperback and Kindle formats. I donate a percentage of my sales to the charity Invest in ME Research.

On Amazon I have two author pages where you can find my books. Please note only the first one is in my actual name. The rest are in my ‘nom de plume’, The French Femme.

Where am I now?

In the last ten years I’ve written hundreds of poems and many blogs and self-published ten books. I don’t write as much now, but still have plenty of writing projects I want to complete. I have at times sacrificed my health to achieve these goals. It’s kept me sane and given me a sense of purpose. Life has continued despite M.E.

I divorced my French husband but have stayed in France. The quieter, less stressful way of life is good for my M.E. and my retirement.